What I was trying to say before...

Well, Jonathan did a much better job than me. (Talking about my last post.) Here's the video...

April 15 :: Bewitched and Bewildered - Jonathan Walker from Church on the Rock Homer on Vimeo.

Easter and my issues...

I process things by putting them on paper. Sometimes I skip the words and just grab my acrylics, but just about everything I encounter I’m wondering in the back of my head how to map it out in some way on paper. I have something I’ve been wanting to write about this week, but I’ve been a little hesitant. I feel like this one I shouldn’t write about because I could come across as being very critical and I don’t want to do that. On the other hand though, it is a real struggle for me and maybe it is for someone else too. There might, possibly be some sort of value in sending it out there. I have gone back and forth. In the end, I think I want to write it. I want to be clear and careful though. I am not writing from the stand point of moral superiority, I have tried to search out the cause of my struggle and hope that I am able to successfully communicate that I am not bitter or resentful, I am not anti-tradition, I am not prideful about this. And, in fact, I am a little embarrassed to admit it to you all. Just try to keep that in mind. 

I guess I should just say it and then explain -  I dread Easter Sunday.

There it is. What is considered the “holiest” Sunday of the year is my biggest struggle in a year of Sundays. I guess the reason this all came out it is that I thought I might actually miss it this year.  Scott is out of town and I originally thought his flight back to Anchorage was getting in at 1:00am on Sunday which would mean driving very late Saturday and then sleeping Sunday morning. I just double checked the itinerary though, and realized his flight comes in Monday morning. So, I had to switch gears and get myself back in the mindset of going again. 

Most Christian bloggers won’t be writing about something so ridiculous as an aversion to Easter on their Good Friday blog. But, here I am. And, I admit that I am sorry. The problem is, deeply personal, so if you enjoy Easter, just know that this very flawed little person is quite aware of how aweful it sounds. I can tell you what the resurrection of Christ means to me. Ironically I was asked to share it in an Easter Service a few years ago. It means LIFE. The Bible says when God created us He breathed life into us. And, if that is the case, when man turned his back on God, he essentially cut off his own air supply. Unfortunately, if you aren’t breathing, you’re dying. Anybody else out there feel the absolutely suffocating effect of life without God? Life without hope? I have. Though I grew up in church, until I had my own personal and powerful encounter with God, I just didn’t get it. I don’t necessarily think it’s the fault of “the church.” I think it’s more just something to do with the human condition. The Bible itself talks about how the gospel is beyond understanding. It is totally counterintuitive. Merit is thrown out the window by it. Effort is made worthless by it. Works accomplish nothing in it. It is all based on an incalculable need being met with meritless grace. This is something that just would not fit in my brain for any amount of hearing it. I would venture to say that most of us still don’t grasp it. We just don’t get that all we bring to the table in our relationship with God is emptiness. We try very hard to bring something worthwhile and we sometimes demand that others do too. And, really we are quite sincerely doing it all in a genuine effort to reconnect with God. But trying to grasp what we know to be unattainable holiness (God) will always end in disappointment (when we realize we can’t) or delusion (when we think we can). Disappointment leads to defeat which often leads to walking away. Delusion leads to pride and self-righteousness which makes us hypocrites. Saying “we all fall short” and then claiming to have gotten “up” enough is just obviously contradictory. (Let me just interject here that the falling short itself does not = hypocrisy. I can intend to get to a specific place in my car and I am not a hypocrite when my car breaks down along the way. Making mistakes is not hypocrisy, it’s just human.) 

  Anyway, after a childhood in the church, I eventually gave up completely on God, because of my own disappointment, and fully surrendered to belief in well... nothing. When I did still believe in Jesus, I also believed that I ought to feel this way, look this way, act this way, not struggle in this or that area... I couldn’t fathom the idea that He really didn't expect me to give Him something to love. I knew I couldn't do it so I just didn't believe it anymore - though I wanted to. I became a very reluctant atheist during my late teens. I did not feel free or enlightened by my atheism as some people seem to be.  I felt depressed by the utter meaninglessness of life. And, I surrendered fully to the depression and dove headlong into an eating disorder to numb my existence. It was after several years in this that I had my first real experience with God and realized why I had missed Him completely in church. Though, I heard the gospel over and over, I always felt, every time I walked in the door was that I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t do or be anything right. My doubts and questions and issues were beyond help and answers. My flaws were unfixable, unwanted and too hideous... It wasn’t necessarily that this was always communicated to me. I was pretty good at telling it to myself. What He told me when I finally had a real encounter with Him was simply, “Honey, you can’t. That is the point of the Gospel and of the cross. I had to do it for you.” 

We can’t reconnect the air hose on our own. After He has restored us we can breathe in and out like we have got our life back , but our dependence on Him is always consistent. HE IS OUR AIR. And, I guess this brings me to my struggle with Easter Sunday. While I love the God that brought life to utterly desperate, hopeless me, what I tend to remember on Easter is the many services I sat feeling so completely wrong for not being moved to the proper level of somberness by the songs or the dramas or the flowers etc...The bigger the “production” the harder it is for me, because until it was real for me all it was was an elaborate “production”. I still struggle with looking around at people more moved than me and feeling like a loser.  The truth is that He has never been more real to me on an Easter Sunday than He was the day that I met Him. I was just alone with my Bible on a very isolated and undecorated rooftop in Nepal. I know this is not the case for everyone. I know this is my story. I guess I just want to put it out there. I humbly submit that maybe it isn’t about whether I feel something enough on one certain day out of the year. Maybe, by trying to solicit a certain level of emotion I am just trying to be enough on my own again. The thing about me is I tend to hear Him the most in simpler places and places of solitude and I think thats okay. The real truth is we need Him. Thats it. That’s what we need to NOT miss. It’s incredibly simple. If you don’t understand what I am saying at all, if you love the extra effort put into Easter Sunday, if you love this holiday and the service, just soak in it. Don’t let me discourage anything about this Sunday for you. Maybe you see it all much clearer than I did. I am just reminding myself right here that it is not about what I bring to this Easter anymore than it is about what I bring to the cross. Its just all about Jesus. 

A very "sparkly" 30 days end.

You know, I tell people all the time that I need a sense of accomplishment in my life. Mom's everywhere understand this. When everything you do all day is immediately undone and needs to be redone, you can easily work yourself to the point of utter exhaustion and have almost ZERO sense of accomplishment. Some days I actually have the perspective that allows me to see what the house and the children would have looked like without my constant intervention, and I get a bit of satisfaction from that.  But, preventing the house from exploding is not exactly something you can stand back and look at. It's not the type of thing you can hold up to other people, "Look what I did today! Everyone's alive and the house is still standing!!"

I used to work in Coffee Shops back in the day and I loved the sense of accomplishment I got from that.  *Sigh* I remember taking that one last look at the empty store at the end of the day. All signs of wear and use were washed away. Counters sparkled. Floors shined. The window on the pastry case had not a single finger print. It's like going to my "happy place" to remember what that was like... Yes, I'm a dork. I know. The thing is that I can't imagine life without my four crazy little mess makers now. I wouldn't trade them for a sparkly counter top any day. But, I still go searching for the sense of accomplishment I used to get from working. It's a conundrum for sure. (Can I stop here and mention that it gives me great satisfaction that I have used that word twice today.) Well, I have found the illusive sense of accomplishment in my art work. It is there that I can devote myself to something that, when done, can be... well... done. I hang my creations out of reach or keep them tucked away in books or in drawers or in the garage, and every now and then I steal little peaks at them and feel immensely happy that I can have my cake and eat it too.  I can have the joy of my little tornado children and that feeling of a "job well done" all at once. It is even more wonderful than a clean closed coffee shop, because my little pieces of art, however imperfect, have so much of me in them.  I can't even explain that. People ask me all the time how I do the art thing with 4 babies, and the first thing that always pops into my head is, "how can I not?" Where else do I get that sense of accomplishment?  Because, I think we are all wired to want to feel like we are doing something that will eventually get done... at least on some level. Aren't we?

Anyway, this 30 day art challenge was fabulous for me. I admit it took me about 32 days instead of 30. but, it got done, and the sketchbook my friend gave me at the beginning of the year actually has pictures in it now. Taylor Bug and Charlotte want to draw all the time now too. Happiness. :) I even drew a bit today, though I didn't have to. I didn't really even think about it, but it used to be such a chore to force myself to try and draw something. Now it's just something I do most days. It may not always be, but I'm ok with that because in just one month I learned a lot about myself, and about drawing. (For example, it is much easier to draw the things you like - coffee etc... than the things you don't - horses *creepy shiver*) I am also glad, because this is one of the first times in my life that I have ever set a reasonable goal for myself and followed it through to completion. While New Years resolutions seem like a good idea, they generally are nothing but guilt in the making. 30 day resolutions, however, are much more practical and attainable. I seriously feel like I can do anything now... 30 blogs in 30 days... Finish reading the 10 books I've started in 30 days... Keep up with the laundry for 30 days... This may very well become my new mantra. Though, right now, I guess I should just focus on getting better. The plague has come to our house and it is very lame. All my babies except Colby are miserable with coughs and fevers, and I have it too, which makes me a pretty lousy caretaker. We literally spent all day today on the couch with instant netflix and rentals. Quite possibly tomorrow will be the same too. As soon as we are on the mend though, I may just dive back into another challenge. I shall keep you posted.

Oh, and it got to be a bit too much to try to upload pictures here and there every week... If anyone hasn't seen the full set of pictures just go to "Pam Fraley's Art" on Facebook and look in the 30 drawings in 30 days album.

Pushing through

      This drawing thing is kicking my butt. I would probably help if I didn't wait till the last part of the day to do it, but I have to focus on it so much that I don't really try when the babies are awake. I'm glad I decided to challenge myself though. I think I needed this. I have posted a few pictures that I don't like - and I've decided it's good for me. I like perfection and I am not perfect. It's just good to let it be what it is,  let other people see the things I'm not proud of, you know? Its ok to walk out the door every now and then with messy hair - I did that yesterday. Post some pictures you aren't uber proud of. It's good for you. And, it's kinda anti-climactic too. I'm all a mess because I'm putting up a drawing that is "just one big flaw" and everyone is like, "Wow, that's cool." My conversations with Scott about his music make much more sense now...

Me: Wow. That was really good.
Him: Really? The whole set?
Me: Yea. It was awesome.
Him: You noticed when I hit the wrong note the second time through the 3d song - on that one part, though?
Me: Whaa? No.
Him: You didn't hear that?! It was pretty obvious.
Me: Shaking my head, trying to remember anything vaguely wrong. And... nothing. Nope.

      Another thing -  I find myself having to work through problems. I have never committed to showing people a finished product on a daily basis, so now when I start something and it starts looking wrong, I just have to figure it out. What I normally do is just get frustrated and rip that page out of my book... It's actually boosting my confidence. Imagine that. I don't give up in frustration because I have to post a picture and, so far, this ridiculous thing is all I've got. I just need to look harder, see better and figure it out. It is not easy. Our eyes play tricks on us. When you draw, you have to see past that. I think it was my high school art teacher who always said, "Draw what you see, not what you know is there." I know she has five fingers on that hand, but I can only see 2 and a bit of one other - so that's what I need to draw. There are little square shingles all over that roof, but because of the way the light hits, I can't see them all. We see shadows here and there... hints of things that we know are there and our mind fills in the rest. It is hard to draw like that. I'm working on it though. Anyway, here's the next set...

LIFE

Today I saw a video that threw my whole day off. You have probably heard about or seen it as well. It is by an organization called "Invisible Children". The movie is disturbing and powerful, moving, and hopeful. It is about the plight of children in Uganda. Just so everyone is clear... I know ALMOST NOTHING about the organization behind this. I don't know how well they spend their money. I don't know about their affiliations or how they have conducted themselves over the past decade.  In fact, a couple of red flags about this particular group have cropped up as their video has gone viral and it is worth reading about. Here's one article  and Here's another. Anybody these days can make a well put together video and I would always advocate looking deeper before letting a well done 30 minute movie  open your wallet to a group you know nothing more about.
That said, I am glad that these stories are being told. It may be a bit late. It may be overly simplistic about both the problem and the solution, but it gets us out of our world a bit. Lets be discerning, but lets also be aware and sympathetic.
Five days after I graduated high school (back in 1999) I went to Nepal for 2 months. I was astounded as my view of "poverty" grew to a depth I couldn't imagine. I came home changed and admittedly more than a little disgusted at American ideas of "needs" and "rights". This years "occupy movement" was hard for me to stomach because I feel like I have seen the "99%" and we aren't it. I was reminded afresh of this just days ago when Scott and my's close friend came home from a trip to India.There are people out there who are suffering under the burden of an existence without even the basic and inherent human rights - not the petty rights that a lot of the Western World whines about - but, rights like those of the children in Uganda. I'm talking about the rights that we founded this country on - life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. There are many people all over the globe who have little to no freedom. They are afraid and unable to pursue any sort of "happiness" such as career and family... Attacks on these rights take many faces: human trafficking, slavery, genocide... and, if I am going to be any sort of activist, I will be an activist for human rights. I am in favor of the efforts people make to expose these things because I am staunchly pro-LIFE. I happen to believe that life is a scientifically definable fact. It is not the result of someone's decision. It just is. And, people like Kony need to be stopped as well as any others who feel it is their prerogative to decide who is worthwhile and who is not. The postmodern mantra that claims "there is no absolute truth" is no where to be seen on Facebook and Twitter today while people furiously #Kony2012 hoping to make a difference. This tells me that we DO, in fact,  have an innate sense of right and wrong. We have a powerful sense of injustice that rises up in the face of such images.  Deep down we all feel that human life should be defended. That feeling rose up in me today too. And, though I was struggling with a dirty house and noncooperative children, I wanted to hug them all a little tighter today as I was reminded what our world has become. God help us if we stop valuing and standing up for LIFE.

The first week - Plus one

Here they are... The first 8 pictures of my 30 day challenge. I feel like I am getting into the groove again. I am making lines in my head all the time now and examining everything... EVERYTHING... as if I would be drawing it.  I'm trying to not go easy on myself too. I let myself get reacquainted with my pencil the first couple days and then it was down to business. I'm trying people in awkward positions (see day 7) because the human body is weird and beautiful and complicated and it is difficult to accurately capture it in strange positions. And, I am trying people who are recognizable (day 8) because then I have to really study them. What is it about Audrey's face that makes it Audrey? Maybe I didn't quite get her, maybe her eyes are too big and something is just a little off about her nose... but somewhere around the corner of her mouth I added a shadow, and all of a sudden she was there. That is Audrey. I found a tiny piece of her at least. Anyway, enjoy! If you have any suggestions for subject matter I am ready to consider them. 

If you want to see them better (I can't get the bird to not be sideways) go to my FB art page: Pam Fraley's Art. 

Remaking my clothes...

Okay, a couple years ago I was at Forever 21 during one of their ridiculous sales and I saw a rack with $3 t-shirts. They were just average looking, flimsy white, nothing too special, shirts but I bought 2 of them because they were cheap. I never really liked them all that much and I've been thinking about what to do with them ever since. Today, Colby fell asleep shortly after his 9am feeding and Taylor Bug and Jacks were playing together so well (jumping on the couch etc.) that I was actually able to get out my sewing machine. Yay! Scott got me a Singer Heavy Duty commercial grade machine for Christmas. I cried when I opened it.  Anyway, I found my two average white t-shits and went to work and thought I would post a tutorial here incase anyone else has some old shirts they want to have fun with.

Here's what I did...
First, I cut the neck off the shirt I wanted to use as my base (I just left that part unfinished). Then, because the shirt as a whole was too short for my taste, I cut about a 5in section off the bottom of the other shirt to attach to the bottom of the base shirt. I also cut several strips (about 1 or 2in wide) off the extra shirt to use as embellishments.

Next, I put the lengthening strip inside the bottom of the base shirt, matched the seams and pinned it. I guess it's kinda weird that I didn't cut the hem off the bottom of the base shirt, but I'm lazy and it ended up cute anyway. 

After pinning, I put my machine on a wide surger-type stitch and sewed the two pieces together.

This is the fun part... The embellishing! I wanted a long ruffle down the front of my shirt. In order to do this I upped the tension on my machine to the highest number and increased my stitch length to the longest it would go. This makes it so the fabric going through the machine automatically ruffles up. Just don't backstitch and be sure to leave yourself a LONG piece of thread on either end of your fabric. You will need the extra thread to spread your ruffles out because it will be very tightly bunched on the other side of the needle. To start, center the first strip of fabric under the presser foot and start sewing. When you get close to the end of that strip, overlap the next strip a bit and keep feeding it through. Attach as many pieces as you need till you have a long enough piece for your shirt.  I did a long piece and then a shorter one so I could have 2 ruffles.

Place the ruffles how you want to the front of your shirt with pins.

For an extra little embellishment use the collar you cut off the top of the shirt to make a flower. I put it through the machine on the high tension setting so it bunched up. Then, I just shaped it into a flower.

Return the machine to normal tension and stitch length settings. Sew your ruffles to the front of the shirt, being sure to backstitch this time so they don't come loose. It takes a little finesse to get the ruffles under the presser foot, so go slow. 

After the ruffles are done put your flower where you want and tack it down by hand with a needle and thread. I also attached a small square of cotton on top of the flower stitches inside my shirt with a bit of hot glue - just for some extra stability.

Voila! New Shirt.

For washing, I'll probably machine wash it inside out and just not put it in the dryer.

Here it is on me. I'm so happy. I got a fun new thing to wear without spending any money. My husband thought it was super cute too. He asked me where I bought it. Hee hee  :D