I suddenly feel very... unstable.
Photographer/friend, Ken Williams took this of her a couple days ago.
Five used to seem so small. Now it feels big... too big.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Ready or Not...
Well, my baby Goose actually fell asleep before 10:00 pm. Her new backpack is crammed full of a year's worth of school supplies. Her lunch box is packed except for a sandwich I will make at some horribly early hour tomorrow. And, the semi-matching yet completely adorable outfit she picked out for her first day of school is laying out in her room. *sigh*
I suddenly feel very... unstable.
I suddenly feel very... unstable.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Today is a big day...
It's Friday and, at first, I was ready to have just another Friday, but then I remembered...
I remembered when Scott woke me up with a goodbye kiss that he was leaving for the bush today.
I remembered when Charlotte got dressed that today is the day we go meet her kindergarten teacher and see her class room for the first time. (And, tried to help her match just a little better than normal)
When we came down stairs I remembered that this Friday is the last Friday before our first official day of school... ever.
I didn't do much different. I saw the rain outside and felt the cold wood floor on my feet and decided it was going to be a cozy day. I got a fire going in our stove and filled up three bowls of cereal like I always do. And then I realized that soon, when she really understands, days like today will maybe be a disappointment. Because, I have a school age girl now, and rain on the last few days of summer means something different. It hasn't really ever mattered before. We would just spend the rainy days inside and when the nice warm days creep back into fall, as they sometimes do, we would be outside again. Now, those days will be taken by kindergarten. And, next year it will be the same for her sister.
This Friday I feel like life is about to take off... Like the busyness of life with preschoolers is all of a sudden a lazy peaceful cozy kind of busy and now we are getting to the top of the hill and its all about to to pick up speed. I have a feeling this year is going to fly. I am excited for Charlotte and I am excited about being a more grown up mommy, I'm looking forward to school plays and concerts and helping with homework... But there is a sense of loss attached to this day too. It honestly feels like a bit more loss than I expected it too. I was just sitting in my living room yesterday talking over my vanilla Americano to a dear friend about how everything we do requires a letting go of something else. I feel that today. I'm glad I feel it. I don't think I'll be one of the moms that cries when I drop her off. She's been begging to go to school since she was three. She loves being around other kids. She longs for structured learning time - something I'm not organized enough to give her consistently with 2 other kiddos and one on the way. But, for today I'm glad I feel it - the loss associated with something we have all been so excited about for so long. Yea, today is a big Friday. And, the thing that makes it just a little more sad is that Scott has to miss it.
He is flying out today at 3:00 to some place named Karluk on the backside of Kodiak to work for four days. I know he'll be back soon and then we will be in the routine we already talked about. He'll take his baby girl to school on his way to work every morning and I'll send them off with kisses and lunchbox. But, it's sad that he can't be here today... That I will call him tonight and describe her teacher and class room to him because he can't be there. That I will have to show him pictures of her on the first day of school... *sigh* These are the kind of life interruptions I could do without. He held her on his lap this morning a little longer than normal and sang the song he made up for her and it was sweet and full. And, when I came downstairs and heard the radio talk about another plane that went down in the bush I almost threw my bowl at it. I'm ready for normal again. I want to be past the first day of school and I want him safe and home again and I am so looking forward to kissing them goodbye as they leave for school at what would normally be a way too early hour for me.
Today we will wave goodbye to Scott at the airport and then we will go meet my little goose's teacher and then I think we should make cookies and maybe I should stay up late watching movies on the couch with them all. It's a good day to be surrounded by and smothered in the squirmy cuddles of 3 babies.
I remembered when Scott woke me up with a goodbye kiss that he was leaving for the bush today.
I remembered when Charlotte got dressed that today is the day we go meet her kindergarten teacher and see her class room for the first time. (And, tried to help her match just a little better than normal)
When we came down stairs I remembered that this Friday is the last Friday before our first official day of school... ever.
I didn't do much different. I saw the rain outside and felt the cold wood floor on my feet and decided it was going to be a cozy day. I got a fire going in our stove and filled up three bowls of cereal like I always do. And then I realized that soon, when she really understands, days like today will maybe be a disappointment. Because, I have a school age girl now, and rain on the last few days of summer means something different. It hasn't really ever mattered before. We would just spend the rainy days inside and when the nice warm days creep back into fall, as they sometimes do, we would be outside again. Now, those days will be taken by kindergarten. And, next year it will be the same for her sister.
This Friday I feel like life is about to take off... Like the busyness of life with preschoolers is all of a sudden a lazy peaceful cozy kind of busy and now we are getting to the top of the hill and its all about to to pick up speed. I have a feeling this year is going to fly. I am excited for Charlotte and I am excited about being a more grown up mommy, I'm looking forward to school plays and concerts and helping with homework... But there is a sense of loss attached to this day too. It honestly feels like a bit more loss than I expected it too. I was just sitting in my living room yesterday talking over my vanilla Americano to a dear friend about how everything we do requires a letting go of something else. I feel that today. I'm glad I feel it. I don't think I'll be one of the moms that cries when I drop her off. She's been begging to go to school since she was three. She loves being around other kids. She longs for structured learning time - something I'm not organized enough to give her consistently with 2 other kiddos and one on the way. But, for today I'm glad I feel it - the loss associated with something we have all been so excited about for so long. Yea, today is a big Friday. And, the thing that makes it just a little more sad is that Scott has to miss it.
He is flying out today at 3:00 to some place named Karluk on the backside of Kodiak to work for four days. I know he'll be back soon and then we will be in the routine we already talked about. He'll take his baby girl to school on his way to work every morning and I'll send them off with kisses and lunchbox. But, it's sad that he can't be here today... That I will call him tonight and describe her teacher and class room to him because he can't be there. That I will have to show him pictures of her on the first day of school... *sigh* These are the kind of life interruptions I could do without. He held her on his lap this morning a little longer than normal and sang the song he made up for her and it was sweet and full. And, when I came downstairs and heard the radio talk about another plane that went down in the bush I almost threw my bowl at it. I'm ready for normal again. I want to be past the first day of school and I want him safe and home again and I am so looking forward to kissing them goodbye as they leave for school at what would normally be a way too early hour for me.
Today we will wave goodbye to Scott at the airport and then we will go meet my little goose's teacher and then I think we should make cookies and maybe I should stay up late watching movies on the couch with them all. It's a good day to be surrounded by and smothered in the squirmy cuddles of 3 babies.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The Monday Experiment
I hardly know what to say. Expectations are killer, yes? I do have to say that it was a good day. We played in the sun, I got some things done. (Didn't mean for that to rhyme) It ended a bit rougher than it started, but I think over all I feel mostly blessed. So, getting down to it...
(Oh, if you haven't read the previous post you may want to do that in order to understand this one a bit better.)
As for my "to do" list - I was able to get my three bathrooms clean. Yay! The floor is swept. I started a bit more laundry. And, the babies were extremely excited to help me unload the dishwasher, so I was able to get the kitchen pretty clean too. They took care of all their dishes (which mostly go in a very low drawer) and then handed me stuff to put on the higher shelves. Surprisingly, this was actually a pretty efficient system. Note to self *remember to ask small children for help more often.*
Other things - We played out on the deck for a bit and I attempted to capture some moments in the sun using the short tutorial my neighbor gave me on my camera yesterday.
After some pictures I left my french doors open and tried to get a few more house chores done. Remember I said I expected interruptions? I was not too happy when they came in the form of 3 nasty splinters. Jacks had two which actually weren't that bad. Taylor, on the other hand, had a nasty little one that was only extracted after many tears and lots of switching back and forth between needle and tweezers. Poor Baby. :( Charlotte and Jacks were so sweet through the whole ordeal. They held her hand and tried to distract her with things to look at. They wiped her tears and stroked her hair and told her it would be okay. My children astound me. Yes, they are very close together and admittedly that makes it crazy sometimes. But, I wouldn't change a thing about it. I love how they love each other. *sigh*
I digress... The stupid splinter was so deep it took about 20 minutes to get it out of my squirmy, miserable 4 year old. But, we finally had success and all was fixed with a Phineas and Ferb band aid and some cuddles with mama. She was very proud to show her daddy her little bandaged toe when we took him lunch later.
The rest of the day is a bit jumbled and blurry to me. Pregnancy brain I guess. Grilled cheese sandwiches with the yummy dark wheat bread for lunch, more playing outside, a nap for Jacks to help him through the ridiculous growth spurt he is having. Scott's mom stopped by and made all the babies happy. (They miss having grandma next door.) Chili and corn bread for dinner. Followed by a chat with my lovely sister on the phone.
Then, Scott built a fire in the fire pit outside and we spent the rest of the evening hanging out down there.
Unfortunately I freaked out a bit when my calm day ended with 2 girls and a mud pit. Boots and children had to be hosed off and showered and I had more than a little bad attitude about it. I think I expected my day to end on a... cleaner note.
After they were all in bed and I kissed their little faces I wished I hadn't been so fussy over a little mud. I astound myself with my ability to get "me" centered that fast, especially on days like today. All I could think of was mud, and how I had another new mess at the end of the day. When they were all in bed is when I remembered the radio program I heard on the fringes of our afternoon today. It was about the slums of India. I remembered how mothers there train their precious babies to beg while I feed mine around a comfortable table. I look at my beautiful little girls sleeping safe in their beds and I'm astonished that we live here - where chances of them being thrown into the world of human trafficking are slim. The everyday over there is so incredibly poor compared to my everyday that it's sometimes hard to believe we are all on the same planet. And, on top of it I know I didn't do anything to deserve the "here" that I have. Tonight I tucked my babies in hoping that with a bit of perspective, I will learn to stop complaining about my little hiccups and unmet expectations. That I will be thankful. And, even that maybe there is something I can do to change a bit of that very far away place.
So that's it. The day is over and I feel full. I am very thankful for what I have, a little more in love with my sweet babies, stirred by the issues of social injustice in the world, disappointed at my humanity, excited about tomorrow, and tired from a day of work and splinters and sun. No, it was not everything I expected. Yes, it was good.
(Oh, if you haven't read the previous post you may want to do that in order to understand this one a bit better.)
As for my "to do" list - I was able to get my three bathrooms clean. Yay! The floor is swept. I started a bit more laundry. And, the babies were extremely excited to help me unload the dishwasher, so I was able to get the kitchen pretty clean too. They took care of all their dishes (which mostly go in a very low drawer) and then handed me stuff to put on the higher shelves. Surprisingly, this was actually a pretty efficient system. Note to self *remember to ask small children for help more often.*
Other things - We played out on the deck for a bit and I attempted to capture some moments in the sun using the short tutorial my neighbor gave me on my camera yesterday.
After some pictures I left my french doors open and tried to get a few more house chores done. Remember I said I expected interruptions? I was not too happy when they came in the form of 3 nasty splinters. Jacks had two which actually weren't that bad. Taylor, on the other hand, had a nasty little one that was only extracted after many tears and lots of switching back and forth between needle and tweezers. Poor Baby. :( Charlotte and Jacks were so sweet through the whole ordeal. They held her hand and tried to distract her with things to look at. They wiped her tears and stroked her hair and told her it would be okay. My children astound me. Yes, they are very close together and admittedly that makes it crazy sometimes. But, I wouldn't change a thing about it. I love how they love each other. *sigh*
I digress... The stupid splinter was so deep it took about 20 minutes to get it out of my squirmy, miserable 4 year old. But, we finally had success and all was fixed with a Phineas and Ferb band aid and some cuddles with mama. She was very proud to show her daddy her little bandaged toe when we took him lunch later.
The rest of the day is a bit jumbled and blurry to me. Pregnancy brain I guess. Grilled cheese sandwiches with the yummy dark wheat bread for lunch, more playing outside, a nap for Jacks to help him through the ridiculous growth spurt he is having. Scott's mom stopped by and made all the babies happy. (They miss having grandma next door.) Chili and corn bread for dinner. Followed by a chat with my lovely sister on the phone.
Then, Scott built a fire in the fire pit outside and we spent the rest of the evening hanging out down there.
Unfortunately I freaked out a bit when my calm day ended with 2 girls and a mud pit. Boots and children had to be hosed off and showered and I had more than a little bad attitude about it. I think I expected my day to end on a... cleaner note.
After they were all in bed and I kissed their little faces I wished I hadn't been so fussy over a little mud. I astound myself with my ability to get "me" centered that fast, especially on days like today. All I could think of was mud, and how I had another new mess at the end of the day. When they were all in bed is when I remembered the radio program I heard on the fringes of our afternoon today. It was about the slums of India. I remembered how mothers there train their precious babies to beg while I feed mine around a comfortable table. I look at my beautiful little girls sleeping safe in their beds and I'm astonished that we live here - where chances of them being thrown into the world of human trafficking are slim. The everyday over there is so incredibly poor compared to my everyday that it's sometimes hard to believe we are all on the same planet. And, on top of it I know I didn't do anything to deserve the "here" that I have. Tonight I tucked my babies in hoping that with a bit of perspective, I will learn to stop complaining about my little hiccups and unmet expectations. That I will be thankful. And, even that maybe there is something I can do to change a bit of that very far away place.
So that's it. The day is over and I feel full. I am very thankful for what I have, a little more in love with my sweet babies, stirred by the issues of social injustice in the world, disappointed at my humanity, excited about tomorrow, and tired from a day of work and splinters and sun. No, it was not everything I expected. Yes, it was good.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday - Real Quick
So, I heard somewhere that it's a good idea to write your expectations of the day in the morning and then write what actually happened at night. It's probably a good way to gage our lack of control over life, so here goes...
I'll start with a confession. I have been a slacker. Yep. I have. I sat on my butt all day yesterday. We went to church in the morning and then I made blueberry pancakes for the babies. And then I sat in the corner of the couch for most of the rest of the day. I spent a ridiculous amount of time commenting on ridiculous posts in my Sept birth club forum on BabyCenter. And, at the end of the day I surveyed the damage. It was pretty bad. You just can't sit down for too long when you have 3 kiddos and not have the house explode. Today, I decided it would feel much better to get off my butt. The "to-do" list is long. There are dishes, and laundry and bathrooms - Oh my! Not to mention dusting and windows and floors and that roll-top desk that so easily collects things.
As for my expectations.... my expectation is to get a few of these things...um...started (laundry and dishes are never actually "done"). I expect to be interrupted - and rightly so. I expect that I will have to slow down and let the babies "help". :) I expect to have more fun in the real world than I did on the virtual world of forums yesterday. I expect I will let myself stop to read a book or push the babies on the swing set. I expect that someone will "unexpectedly" stop by. And, I hope that at the end of the day my house looks a little bit cleaner, my kids are a bit happier at not having a lazy mama. And, I will feel a bit better about cuddling with my husband on the couch to watch Cosby or whatever it is tonight because relaxing is much more rewarding when you have actually done some working beforehand.
I'll let you know how it goes...
I'll start with a confession. I have been a slacker. Yep. I have. I sat on my butt all day yesterday. We went to church in the morning and then I made blueberry pancakes for the babies. And then I sat in the corner of the couch for most of the rest of the day. I spent a ridiculous amount of time commenting on ridiculous posts in my Sept birth club forum on BabyCenter. And, at the end of the day I surveyed the damage. It was pretty bad. You just can't sit down for too long when you have 3 kiddos and not have the house explode. Today, I decided it would feel much better to get off my butt. The "to-do" list is long. There are dishes, and laundry and bathrooms - Oh my! Not to mention dusting and windows and floors and that roll-top desk that so easily collects things.
As for my expectations.... my expectation is to get a few of these things...um...started (laundry and dishes are never actually "done"). I expect to be interrupted - and rightly so. I expect that I will have to slow down and let the babies "help". :) I expect to have more fun in the real world than I did on the virtual world of forums yesterday. I expect I will let myself stop to read a book or push the babies on the swing set. I expect that someone will "unexpectedly" stop by. And, I hope that at the end of the day my house looks a little bit cleaner, my kids are a bit happier at not having a lazy mama. And, I will feel a bit better about cuddling with my husband on the couch to watch Cosby or whatever it is tonight because relaxing is much more rewarding when you have actually done some working beforehand.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Saturday Morning
The sun is up (of course this time of year it doesn't really go down). My husband made coffee. (He makes the best coffee.) The babies are playing outside. And I am looking forward... Forward to the bowl of Bob's Red Mill cereal I will eat in a minute...
Forward to a day of potential walks on the beach today and music in the house. Forward to cuddling my babies. I'm looking forward to... whatever is next. And, I am excited to be blogging again. Whether I am any good at it or not, writing is like breathing for me. I write in my head all day anyway, but getting it down "on paper" or "on blog" is a bit more releasing. My ambition of the moment is to learn to use my camera so my blogs are filled with pictures as well as words. We'll see how that goes.
Forward to a day of potential walks on the beach today and music in the house. Forward to cuddling my babies. I'm looking forward to... whatever is next. And, I am excited to be blogging again. Whether I am any good at it or not, writing is like breathing for me. I write in my head all day anyway, but getting it down "on paper" or "on blog" is a bit more releasing. My ambition of the moment is to learn to use my camera so my blogs are filled with pictures as well as words. We'll see how that goes.
Addicted to Potential...
One of my favorite bloggers asked her readers the other day, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Somehow I don't think I will ever have a final answer to this question. I am very bent in the creative way. Around every corner I seem to find new things to get me all stirred up with a fresh set of dreams. I walk into one of those pretty trinkety stores and my mind starts buzzing, trying to figure out how to recreate what I see. I clean out my roll-top desk, find a long lost thread and the next thing I know I am researching embroidery stitches all over again. Every door I walk through seems to open up others.
My husband asked me the other day (while devouring his second piece of fresh, sweet, dark, whole wheat bread) if I thought I would be the same person I am today if I hadn't wandered off with him to this crazy little Alaskan fishing town to raise babies. My answer? I am creatively adaptive. That is who I am. I don't think I would be different just... what I do. For instance, had I not been here I may not have ever thought twice about learning to grow my own potatoes, or grind my own flour for bread. I may not have painted a mural in my girls bedroom or made a ridiculous fool of myself trying to learn the art of splitting wood by hand. (This is actually not as easy as it looks and apparently takes a great deal more arm strength than I currently possess.) Put me somewhere new and I will find new passions and projects there. I am addicted to potential and just about bursting with ambition. I currently want to try my hand at raising chickens, but move me to New Zealand and I would probably want sheep... I drive myself positively crazy with ideas sometimes. And, while I am busy trying to learn new things, every now and then I stumble upon something I am actually decent at. What will I be when I grow up? Well, Yesterday I was a rather terrible log splitter, Today I was a baker and, surprisingly, a blogger, and Tomorrow? Well, since I am in the process of once again reorganizing my roll-top desk, who knows what I will want to be tomorrow.
I am a wife and a mother... the rest is always changing.
My husband asked me the other day (while devouring his second piece of fresh, sweet, dark, whole wheat bread) if I thought I would be the same person I am today if I hadn't wandered off with him to this crazy little Alaskan fishing town to raise babies. My answer? I am creatively adaptive. That is who I am. I don't think I would be different just... what I do. For instance, had I not been here I may not have ever thought twice about learning to grow my own potatoes, or grind my own flour for bread. I may not have painted a mural in my girls bedroom or made a ridiculous fool of myself trying to learn the art of splitting wood by hand. (This is actually not as easy as it looks and apparently takes a great deal more arm strength than I currently possess.) Put me somewhere new and I will find new passions and projects there. I am addicted to potential and just about bursting with ambition. I currently want to try my hand at raising chickens, but move me to New Zealand and I would probably want sheep... I drive myself positively crazy with ideas sometimes. And, while I am busy trying to learn new things, every now and then I stumble upon something I am actually decent at. What will I be when I grow up? Well, Yesterday I was a rather terrible log splitter, Today I was a baker and, surprisingly, a blogger, and Tomorrow? Well, since I am in the process of once again reorganizing my roll-top desk, who knows what I will want to be tomorrow.
I am a wife and a mother... the rest is always changing.
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