My head is ringing today. I can’t imagine what it is like for the people in Connecticut right now. The parents... I hear my own babies playing and laughing, fighting with each other over the Buzz Lightyear toy... They go on, just having a normal day, blissfully unaware that 20 kids their own age were recently murdered. Our tree is up and presents have started collecting underneath it and I can hardly imagine being one of those parents who will have to deal with unopened gifts. Its just too much. I can’t imagine it and I don’t want to. But, I feel like I need to do something. I need to hug my babies. I need to tell them I love them. I need to reevaluate priorities. And, I need to resolve some things.

In just this last year I have heard so many horrific things. I have heard a protester screaming about the “parasitic” nature of humanity infecting the earth. I have heard well known atheist scholars talk about how we are all the product of a cataclysmic accident and that to pretend there is purpose in life is to delude oneself. I have heard so many say that there is no such thing as “truth”; that morality is subjective. I read just recently in Margaret Sanger’s book, Woman and the New Race, how the most civil of the world’s uncivilized societies are the ones that practice infanticide... Interesting that these ideas are silenced on this awful day, how they slink to the background as every sane human being is horrified and stunned. 

We teach our kids that life has no purpose, they are an ugly infestation on a beautiful planet, that there is no real thing as good and evil, there is no God and therefore no ultimate consequence for action. Life is not sacred and valuable... We tell them these things and then stand back in terrified disbelief when someone acts out the full extent of these beliefs.  Why? Because, we know it is so very very wrong. We know it in a place that is too deep to disregard - in a part of ourselves we cannot turn off. Every day in the animal world predators pick off the sick and young and helpless and we think nothing of it. But, when a group of 20 kindergardeners is gunned down, everything inside of us twists and groans in disgust and horror. Because, we know, at least for this one moment, that LIFE is VALUABLE and PRECIOUS. We feel deeply, all of a sudden, that we were created with purpose and there is, very definitely,  “right” and “wrong”.  Our gut should not tell us these things if they weren’t true. As CS Lewis said, “Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark.” If there was really no point and no such thing as morality, how differently would we all be responding to this day? 

Go ahead and call me deluded, but this is my resolve today: I will teach my kids that they are valuable and they do have a purpose. I will teach them that humanity is NOT just a parasite that needs to be eradicated. I will tell them that life is precious and should be protected. It is from God and it “IS”. Life does not “become” because someone chooses to allow it. There will always be people who think that they get to define what life is and what it is not. They falsely elevate themselves when they presume they have the authority to choose which life is worth preserving and protecting and which they can snuff out because they don’t personally value it. We have their examples all around us. But, they are wrong. I will tell my kids that these people are wrong. God created life. He gives it meaning. I will tell them that there is truth, there is right and wrong... And, they will not be confused when their gut involuntarily reacts to pure evil as ours did today. They will know that their sense of justice is rooted in reality. Hopefully they will teach their kids the same. 

Pulling Weeds

I am at a loss with this one. I keep writing and rewriting in an attempt to sort through the heaping pile of information I have been taking in recently. Stories I have heard and conversations I have had, books I am currently reading, some articles, and observations... Many of these things at first seemed completely unrelated, but I am starting to see a connection that I am hoping is something both true and worth pointing out. I definitely have had my own emotional reactions to all of theses things, but I’m not too interested in talking here about my feelings on any of them. I would rather explore a bit what is under it all. I mean, otherwise I am just writing about my personal reaction to this persons reaction to such and such a thing. I have already done a lot of that, in conversations with my husband and several other people who were probably just innocently asking me, what they thought to be, a simple question like, “Whatcha readin?” Yea, I should have probably just given them the title and moved on. Sorry Everyone. 

The hard thing for me now is knowing where to start. Do I tell you about the conversation I had with a friend who is trying keep her head above water in a colliding sea of differing Christian theologies? How she grew up one way and then was thrown into another and is now on her own and seeing the water is even deeper and more vast than she thought? Do I tell you about the books and articles I am reading? There is that one book which is unpacking the viewpoint of victimology. There is the book by the famous pastor who has discovered the only real and genuine way to be a true Christ follower is in this one specific place, and the other author who has found the same thing, but in a different place. : / ?? There is that one lady who is a bit of a conspiracy theorist who gave me the books about how this pastor used to study under this one teacher who was friends with this other guy who sometimes has books for sale in New Age book stores. Or, there are always the stats; the stats (specifically about the American Church) that we use to motivate our Christian walk. The ones about how many people really truly believe this, or live that, or stick it out. I feel like I want to write a bit about each of these things, and maybe I will eventually, but I think I want to start somewhere else. I want to start where this all began to make sense to me, where all these vastly different things seemed to sink into a common mold. 

Matthew 13:24  Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’“‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.“The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’ “‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

The kingdom of heaven is like this. And, we can tell. We look out on this field called the Church and we know that not everyone is genuine. We know that some people are “playing a game”. We know that some are hypocrites, some are materialistic, some have little strength to stand, some have an inability to let go of this particular thing to grab ahold of God. Some have tempers, some have addictions, some are self centered and arrogant. We can see it. After-all we are human too. So, we run back to the Master and ask if we can pull the weeds and He says, “No.” Why? Because we, with our imperfect eyes might accidently pull up some genuine wheat. Pretty simple. When God told Samuel to anoint David (the smallest son of Jessie) as the future King of Israel, he read the bewilderment in his prophet and said, “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1Sam 16:7)

All of these things started coming together for me when I realized this week that I think we really struggle as Christians with the desire to pull weeds. We are bothered that God did not give us the clear vision to always tell the genuine from the fake. In fact, He has also told us in many places that we can even be duped by those who look very much like the real deal, but aren’t at all. Remember Matt 7:22 where people stood to tell God all they had done for Him, and He says He doesn’t know them? Or what about 1 Cor 13:1-3? It says there that people can be capable of utterly amazing things, things I would think impossible without a genuine heart. It talks about people giving away everything they have for the poor, or having incredible wisdom, or speaking the language of angels... but they can do it all without love and it is worthless. Wow. The fact is that we are not very capable of judging the thoughts and hearts and attitudes of the people around us. Clearly, if it were up to us we would throw away the good and keep quite a bit of the bad. But, we struggle to give it up. Maybe because it is a little too uncomfortable for us. Maybe it makes us squirm a bit in our seat when we have to think that a genuine believer might just be in that Church we have cast off as too backward or legalistic, or even that God is using that whole Church in some mysterious way. Maybe we cant imagine how the Americans with the big house and the multi-million dollar company could possibly be hard-core lovers of Jesus. Maybe, we don’t see how that homeless man on the corner has anything worthwhile to give to the kingdom, or how that small group standing outside smoking before church starts has any evidence of “fruit” in their life...

The thing I see in scripture is that Jesus is the only man who has ever walked this earth with clear eyes. He addressed each person at their specific need and, where people were willing, they were changed. Sometimes it was obvious to outsiders and sometimes, not so much. Zacheus, for example, was a man of some standing and reputation. When he became an honest man and started paying people back what he had cheated them, it must have been staggering to his community. Everyone who came across him later would surely have marveled at the “honest” tax collector. But, Jesus also approached the man with the legion of demons, and after He helped him, it says he was just...dressed... and no longer insane. For him the “big” change was being normal. Not much visible fruit to see a man wearing clothes. We wouldn’t even notice that. But, for him it was immeasurably huge. I’m sure it was a testimony to those who knew him, but what did he look like to everyone else? Just Mr. Normal, I guess. If we don’t have the ability to see the heart of a person before Christ, how can we hope to accurately judge what transformation looks like for them after? And, this says nothing of the process of sanctification, maturing, growth... We often judge where people are at without knowing where they come from, when for some people just being dressed and sane is a mountain-sized victory. Obviously, there are Biblical parameters but, generally speaking, we tend to try to measure people by the details we see.  

Maybe it has something to do with the way we encounter Him ourselves. God reaches out to me in powerful and blatant, vivid ways sometimes and I walk away wanting to share that experience with someone else.  I want to meet someone who was blown over and carried away by the same conviction or scripture. Sometimes, He shows me a place in the world where there is a need because He has been working on and designing me to step into it. But, what I am tempted to do when I see it is to scoff, “No one else is here?! Does no one really care?!” And, that leads me to a poor assessment of the Church as a whole. The deficit God let me see becomes a way to start pulling weeds. I have done it before. In the various ministries I have been involved in I have often stopped to shake my head at the “apathy” around me for this particular mission. I have often seen a soap box from which to judge the rest of His body, when I think maybe He just wanted me to fill a need He had crafted me specifically for. Am I the only one?

I am wondering if maybe this is why I have read so many different things and had so many conversations telling me that the true test of my faith is not seen in my individual obedience to Christ or my willingness to go where He has asked me , but rather my heart and calling toward “this one” specific area where God is concerned. Maybe that is why we have little theological add ons to the Gospel. Yes, it’s by faith in what Christ did for you to reconnect you to God, that you are saved. But, the real way it is evidenced can’t just be as simple as being say, clothed and sane. The true evidence is when people do this, talk like this, pray this way, move over here, give up this, not look like that... Wow. All of a sudden we have this fabulous little way of seeing perfectly what God said we couldn’t. Its dangerous to go there. 

We just want to pull weeds so badly, but God says we don’t know the harvest well enough. There will be surprises. There will be people who knew Him that we didn’t see, and some we were convinced of who didn’t. There will be some who had the foundation, but everything they built on it was worthless when we thought it maybe looked so valuable... I think maybe we should fire ourselves as weed pullers and focus on growing instead. Here we are trying to sift and narrow down the kingdom and He asked us to multiply it!  We can trust Him with the field. He is the one who makes things grow. Who knows, maybe if we obey Him wherever and whatever he calls us to, the people in the body who need to see Him in the same way will catch the vision simply by the way He uses us to light up that place. 

I am not a “self-made woman"

        Nope. I realized this today while I was putting the potatoes in the oven for dinner. What did you have for dinner? I recommend roasted potatoes with a side of contemplation. 

 Sometimes people ask me about having four kids - four very little kids. How do I do it? How do I survive? The thing is, I have learned how to do it (rather imperfectly) along the way. It’s not that I possess some sort of quality that had “mom of many” written all over it. Goodness. There was I time, I am sorry to say, I thought “stay at home mom” was a job for those with no ambition. There was a time when I was convinced I would get to just live my own life without even so much as a husband to worry about. And, then it all changed. Scott came along, and I knew he was supposed to be a part of the future I had pictured alone. And, then the kiddos... We both decided that if we were going to do the kid thing we wanted to give them a decent sized family. We definitely didn’t plan on having them this close together, though. Eventually, when we realized we had no control over spacing, we just threw our hands in the air and ran with it. And, I learned along the way how to do it. If you think I must have had it together before, just talk to my mom. I was the space cadet kid. Seriously, I was the one who always forgot to do my homework. I didn’t like wasting my time with things like bathing or cleaning my room. Organization was a foreign concept. I was a person of deep emotion and creativity with ZERO bend for sorting out the details of life. Easily distracted, messy, yep all of that. Not exactly what you would call “mom material.” 

An art teacher once said that not taking an art class because you “aren’t a very good draw-er” is like not taking French class because you aren’t already fluent. That is exactly how I have come to think about parenting. Most of the people who are concerned enough to worry about whether they are “ready” or whether they are doing it right, are probably as good to go as you can get. Parenting is education emersion. I am not the mom I was with just one or two kids. I am not the person I was when it was just me and Scott. They have taught me. God has taught me. I have learned along the way how to keep immunization cards in one spot. I have learned how to keep the house clean, because when you have four little hurricanes, you just need some visual calm now and then, Amen? I have figured out how to think about dinner in the afternoon (most days) so that I am not trying to figure out what to feed people when 6:00 rolls around. Some times I even think ahead enough to make a menu for the week and to *gasp* write a grocery list based on that. Thinking about myself doing any of these is like having an out of body experience. It’s like I am watching this version of me from a distance wondering what in the world happened. Where did that come from? This was me with the potatoes tonight. I looked around my home at a moment when the kids happened to be relatively calm and engaged in something, the floor was swept and mopped, the dishes were mostly done, the counter was clean, bread was rising in my kitchenaid, dinner was bubbling away in the crock pot and I was in the middle of saying to myself, “Okay, dinner will be done in exactly 20 minutes when these get out of the oven.” And, then I was like, “Whoa...who is this?! Where did Martha Stewart come from?" There are just certain things you learn by doing. Necessity is the mother of invention...and organization.. and juggling skills... and who knows what else. 

      With God’s help and some surrendering to the plans He had for me, I have learned things I never would have thought myself capable of - either of doing or loving. And, now I am wondering what I would have done if I had stubbornly continued to try and “make myself”. I guess I know.  I have done my share of wandering through the fog, and fallen into many a pit along the way. Maybe I would have found some sort of level ground eventually. I probably would have stuck with what I knew, though, focused on what I was already good at, let the fear of failure keep me from trying anything outside my box, and never learned that I could be taught to do things far beyond the scope of my imagination. 

Doing this job, this thing I once thought to be so small and insignificant, has been the biggest learning experience of my life. Right now I know this; (though, I might need a reminder tomorrow) surrender is worth it. Teachability is good. Being wiling to say, “I don’t have it all figured out right now” is invaluable, because it leaves you open. Unfortunately, this is not me every moment of every day. I wish it was. I wish I took every unexpected bend in the road with grace and dignity. I wish I didn’t complain so easily when the house was all but flipped upside down and when I can’t find that piece of paper I NEED RIGHT NOW. But, I have more learning to do. I just love that every now and then God gives me a little present in the form of a snapshot - a frozen moment of perspective where I can hold up the me I have become to the me that I used to be and just let my jaw fall to the ground in disbelief. It’s like He is reminding me, even when I feel like I am going backwards or trudging through the muck up to my knees, I am still making progress. It’s worth it to keep at it and to keep hold of His hand. 

The Gospel and Parenting

Scott and I were talking the other day. Kids, parenting, God... Just mulling over some issues and trying to figure out the right way to deal with them. Parenting is just hard and the issues we face are not always predictable. 

I think if you asked any parent if they expected their kids the be perfect, they would obviously say, “no.” Somehow, though, I still always find myself a little caught off guard by their issues. They have a problem, or exhibit some undesirable behavior and my mind starts up the train...

Am I doing something wrong?

Where is this coming from? 

Where did they learn that?

What were they thinking?

How do I stop this?

Didn’t they learn the last time?

Am I doing the discipline thing wrong?

I had a bit of a revelation talking to Scott about all this a couple days ago. Obviously, I don’t expect our kids to be perfect, but I often find myself operating like they started that way. On a practical level I view them as little clean slates that pick up things from their environment. After all, they develop our mannerisms and repeat what they hear others say, they react to frustration and fear and stress the way I do... They are very effective little mirrors of the world around them and it is easy to think it is just that simple. If that is all there is too it, then it is reasonable to think, if I could just control their environment well enough, they would never have a problem. Expose them to church, guard them from bad influences, never lose my cool in front of them. *Voila!* Perfect kid!

This how many of us operate. And, in my limited experience, it makes the job harder. I am always a failure when I think this way, because every little issue, every bad habit, every misspoken word is a direct result of what I have let in the door. (Of course, to a certain extent I get to blame other people too.)

If we really stop and think about it, this is an overly simplified and inadequate way of looking at anyone. Outside influence is only part of the picture. If we really believe the Bible, we understand that people come with issues too. Ever notice that you don’t have to teach a newborn how to stick the bottom lip out when they’re sad? Or, for that matter, how to cry? A toddler instinctively knows how to throw a fit or how to grab for the toy they want. When they get older, no one has to teach them how to fight with a sibling or how to lie when they are about to get in trouble. My kids have never seen Scott or I get in a physical fight with anyone, but they definitely know how to do it anyway. Blame comes naturally. Selfishness is intuitive. These and more a built into the human condition. The Bible calls it the “sin nature”. It is inherited. It is how we are all predisposed to act until something intervenes. Scott reminded me of this when we were talking. It’s not that I am a failure when my kids act up or even that there is something horribly out of the ordinary going on. It’s that the most natural part of who they are is coming out. And, just as a side note, the flawed nature they inherit is all of humanity’s, but also specifically mine and Scott’s. 

This changes everything. Thinking about myself, there are things I have been able to learn. Life has taught me, a naturally somewhat unorganized person, to be organized. I have learned how to keep track of my house and our finances, doctors appointment and dance classes... After a long, long struggle I was able to quit the nasty habit I had of biting my nails. My parents taught me through discipline, about appropriate and inappropriate ways to address other people, etc. Anyone can learn to an extent how to function reasonably in society and the world. There are however, certain things that I have never been able to overcome on my own. For some reason, it’s the deeper stuff, like how to not be overwhelmed with fear, how to trust, how to not be self focused, how to cope with pain without using an addiction as a numbing agent. My deepest flaws and weaknesses are where I was at a total loss. It is in those places where resolve, and even discipline, does absolutely nothing. Don’t believe me? Think about the last time you heard a story where someone couldn’t “straighten up” or “figure it out”, even when they were literally in the gutter, or when there were kids to think of. There are places we can go where there is no Earthly help, internal or external. And, remarkably, it is in those places where we are in the best position to meet God.  

Most of us who attempt to raise our children with an awareness of God and a sense of truth instinctively fall back on behavior modification, myself included. We teach morality to our kids by exposing them to a Biblical worldview. But, without an encounter with the Creator, it is just that. A worldview. A standard for living. And, look at what it requires: holiness, wisdom, self control... If we think it’s really doable, we need only look things like the definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13. It is all impossible for anyone! If exposure to the worldview is all they ever get, we are setting them up to be fakes and failures. 

What would it look like, though, if I wasn’t so caught of guard by my kids acting out of their natural sinful nature? What if I remembered where it was that I first met God - really met Him? How I was desperate and broken and out of strength. Scott and I were talking over all of these things and he said something that blew me away. It is not our job as parents to just control behavior. Yes, teach them a standard, expose them to truth, protect them from unnecessary bad influences... But, more than all of that, our kids need to see, through our own transparency, what dependence on God looks like. To say to them, “Daddy, has a hard time with that too, and I have to ask God for help because I can’t fix me by myself.” I have watched him have this conversation with our daughter before. At 6&1/2 she is already acutely aware of her own inability. There have been so many times when we have asked her why she hit her sister or didn’t listen to us and she just says, “I don’t know. I just cant stop myself.” How true. Now to stop myself from responding with, “Yes, you can.” There are certain things that discipline can teach people. Moments like that, however, teach us where the limit of our strength is. 

Isn’t that the whole point of the Gospel anyway? Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” I want my kids to know God, not just how they measure up to an impossible standard. The difficulty for me, is in accepting that He will meet them in their weakness, because...well... I just don’t want them to have any. 

Any Christian who has been in the church long enough can point out what is supposed to be the the difference between our belief and what every other religion out there teaches. Our Bible tells us,“Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins. “There is not one righteous. Not one.” (Ecc 7:20) Our weakness and insufficiency is detailed everywhere in scripture. In Romans 3:20-22 we learn, “Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin. But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify.  This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.” This is it! This is what sets Christ apart. While all the other religions of the world teach us to climb the impossible road to God ourselves, the Bible tell us Christ did it for us! 

And, as for living every day, Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5) 

Sorry about all the bold print, but shouldn’t this message, though we struggle to embrace it ourselves, be part of how we raise our kids? I asked Scott what he thought we should do and his answer was, in so many words, to be real with them. Be imperfect in front of them (or at least admit to it because we know they see it anyway). Be visibly dependent on God in front of them, and don’t be above apologizing to them. I think he’s right. How can we teach them the gospel of grace and unmerited favor, if we treat them like it is well within their ability to pull themselves together? We have to live the Gospel. Not just preach it. 

I don’t think this is easy. I admit my kids are still small and their problems are relatively small too. We haven’t done this before and we only know what we have walked through in our own lives. Even as I write this I am a bit overwhelmed by what a big responsibility it is...how complicated it gets. I’m feeling like I’m going to have to tattoo this one all over me to remember it the next time I am reacting to something they do. But, there is hope I think. For one, I can be just as dependent on God for this as for everything else. He knows how utterly incapable I am, anyway. And for another, if the closest inherited issues they have are mine and Scott’s, then we are very uniquely equipped to show them how God broke through those things in our own lives. I’m sure they will face other things too, but maybe if we are faithful to teach them to trust and depend with the small things now, they won’t forget it later.  

Trust your heart...

           I can’t even count how many times I have heard this. It is one of our culture’s favorite slogans. And, it seeps into me as well. As a Christian, I should dismiss it as utter garbage. Really, as a basis for decision making, our hearts are horrible guides. I heard a Dee Brestin on the radio this week and she said something I have not stopped thinking about since. She said our hearts are “idol making factories”. It is not that we come to Christ and are immediately perfected. There is a process called sanctification where we learn how to deliver our flesh to the cross. It is a struggle. One that takes the power of God in us to overcome. While on this earth we have to keep our eyes fixed or they will wander. It is so easy for us to get distracted. Honestly, I feel like I forget about the battle sometimes. It is easy to think I make right decisions just because... well... I’m a Christian. It sounds incredibly self-righteous to word it that plainly, but I think it’s true. I say a quick prayer in the direction of what my heart wants and then go ahead and make the decision I wanted to. No searching out the will of God or returning to the Word or listening to sound council... What I have really done is followed my heart instead of my Lord. Right?  And, then we wonder where He is and why it all ended so wrong. Here is why...

Jeremiah 17:9
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

Genesis 4:7

...sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.

Psalm 40:12

For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

Psalm 19:12

But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults.

1Peter 5:8
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Our hearts are so overwhelming at times. They are strong inside of us. Our emotions threaten to overtake us at times with any number of things...depression, grief, desire, fear... And, outside of us there are threats as well. There is someone who lies in wait for us to “listen to our heart”. What easy targets we are when we turn our eyes away from Truth and look at what we feel or want instead. And, he rejoices to trip up anyone he can. So, the solution? Something else Dee Brestin said that I find incredibly Biblical. “Stop LISTENING to your Soul and SPEAK truth to it instead!” 

Psalm 119:11
I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

How much heartache could we avoid in the long run if we learned how to do this? I’m not saying I think it’s easy. Our hearts are “desperate” for a reason. Augustine put it this way, “Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee...” And, the Bible says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart...” (Ecc 3:11) Wonder why we feel things so deeply? Because, there is a hole in every human heart that is the very breadth of eternity! It was meant to be filled by God Himself! So, is the depth of our emptiness and depravity when He is not in it!  And, so is the depth of our wandering feelings when we forget to look at Him. I wonder if my decisions would be so hard to make if I measured them by the truth while standing filled with the fullness of God... But, again, everything He gives us to do requires utter dependence on Him. 

Solomon

Believe it or not, I have been mulling over this subject for quite some time. I guess its a bit of a random thing for a busy mom of 4 to be contemplating, but that is how my brain works. The reason I am writing about it now is that I read an article recently on (sort of) the same subject and it didn’t sit right with me. (Here it is incase you want to check it out. Solomon article)

I just feel like Mr. Brueggmann got Solomon wrong. He was talking about King Solomon in the Bible.  And, the seeming contradiction between Solomon’s opulent lifestyle and his supposed wisdom. We know from the Bible that Solomon lived his days surrounded by every lavish and luxuriant pleasure a good amount of money and monarchy could buy. Brueggmann, using Solomon’s story to talk about current political issues, says the  “wisdom” of Solomon is better translated as “ listening heart”. Somehow this helps him make more sense of Solomon's story. I’m not entirely sure about the validity of that particular interpretation. But, I should say that my ideas about the “wisdom” of Solomon were made by taking that word at face value. Maybe I am about to get him wrong too. Who knows. He is a conundrum for sure. But, I thought I would put my theory out there anyway. It is mostly based on the book of Ecclesiastes (one of my favorites) which is supposed to have been written by the great king himself. I think it's a book that cannot be overlooked by anyone hoping to understand Solomon. The background story, for those who don’t know it, is found in 1 Kings 3:5-15. This is where God appears to Solomon and tells him to ask for whatever he wants. Solomon asks God for wisdom and God is so pleased that He gives it to him - along with wealth and a great many other things. 1Kings 4:29 says, “God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore.” The problem is, Solomon eventually accumulates so much stuff, servants, wives, concubines, children, animals etc. that he comes across as more of a spoiled brat than a man of great wisdom. 

How does it all mesh? My theory is that Solomon was given two kinds of wisdom. One was given to him more immediately and it was what I will call a more “practical” wisdom. He made good judgement calls in disputes between people, he had the intelligence to multiply his wealth and the wealth of his kingdom, administrative and managerial skills... All of this gave him the ability to acquire anything and everything. There was no experience he could not have and nothing he could not buy. 

The second kind of wisdom is the kind I think he had to spend a life time learning. It was the wisdom that taught him to say, “Everything is meaningless...utterly meaningless.” (Ecc 1:2) What better way to learn that there is nothing of value on this Earth, and no worthwhile wisdom apart from God, than to have everything handed to you to investigate? In Ecclesiastes, Solomon goes through the list of all the things he has pursued and gained and looked into: pleasure, beautiful homes filled with all the best things, people, silver, gold, sex, hard work... And, in the end, he is full of sorrow. He says, 

I, the teacher, was king of Isreal, and I lived in Jerusalem. I devoted myself to search for understanding and to explore by wisdom everything being done in the world... So I worked hard to distinguish wisdom from foolishness But, now I realize that even this was like chasing the wind. For the greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow. (Ecc 1:12-13 &17-18)

Maybe it is that all of these things are of no lasting worth. They seem to satisfy us for a while, but in the end they are fleeting and absolutely perishable. The human appetite is insatiable. We all desperately want to be a part of something enduring and meaningful, yet we are set down on an ever changing and fragile planet where all our striving seems utterly wasted.

In 1990 a picture was taken by the Voyager 1 Space Craft as it headed out of our solar system. It’s a picture of Earth from 6 billion kilometers away. It is stunning and shocking and truthful in it’s depiction of our home - a tiny insignificant looking dot in the midst of a vast empty darkness. 

Carl Sagan saw this picture and wrote the following:

Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there-on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

Solomon says in chapter 4, verse 11, “He (God) has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” “Eternity in the heart” is what I have come to believe is responsible for all the passion and work and grasping we do here. It is also, evidence of the fact that we were made for something bigger and more than what we can find here. Solomon didn’t need a picture of our planet from billions of miles away. He asked for wisdom and God gave it. He saw the earth as the “pale blue dot” long before Carl Sagan saw that picture. In, the end, his conclusion is, “Remember your creator.” God, who is eternal and creator is the only lasting thing in which we can find more than fleeting significance and satisfaction. I do not believe the life of Solomon was contrary to  the claims of his wisdom. Rather, his experience lends credibility to his conclusions on life. Would we take it from someone who never “had it all” that there is no satisfaction in Earthly fame or power or money? I don’t think so. 

Brussel Sprouts

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time. After dinner tonight I decided to just go ahead and get my pictures and get it done. It is actually a recipe, one that I am very passionate about. Because, you see, brussel sprouts have a bad rap. It’s sad really. They are almost universally hated by children at least, and considering the size of the brussel sprout section at the store, by most adults as well. Poor misguided souls have been steaming and boiling them for so long it’s no wonder they cause contention at the dinner table. Well, in our house it is different. Here, they are one of the favorites. But, it’s all in how you make them. And, we make them German style. It’s actually a recipe that my dad discovered and shared with me a few years ago. Its the perfect side to just about any meat dish. Dad and I like them next to beer soaked German sausages covered in caramelized onions. But, they also go nicely with just about any steak. Tonight I made them to go with country fried steak and smashed red potatoes and gravy. Oh my. It was so good. I wish you could taste it. Well, you probably believe me on the steak and potatoes, but you’ll have to take my word on the sprouts. And, please do. Just make them and see. They take about 20 minutes. 

So, first. You need a cutting board. These Brussel sprouts are chopped.

Step 1. Remove any of the top leaves that need to come off.

Step 2. Start chopping. They look like little shredded lettuce's. (Discard the ends)

Step 3. Butter - A tablespoon or 2 in a frying pan over medium high heat. Also a splash of oil. I like olive or sesame.

(You will also need a cup of chicken broth - I like to use "better than bouillon" to make mine. You can add a some white wine or beer if desired.)

Step 4.  Add the Sprouts to the hot pan and stir.

 Step 5. Season how you like - salt, pepper, garlic... Stir and watch your sprouts. When they brighten up and soak in the butter...

Step 6. Add your cup of chicken broth. Stir and let simmer till the liquid cooks almost all the way down. It takes several minutes.

Step 7. Alcohol - If you like a little kick, throw in a splash of wine or beer at the very end. It cooks down almost immediately and adds some great flavor. 

Step 8. Enjoy!! And, spread the word. Together we can stop the hate. :) These are great little veggies - and good for you too!

Movie Review

Brave  

*warning*spoilers*

I have mixed feeling about this one. Mostly good, but I think I need to see it again. Honestly, for a good part of the movie I was just totally distracted and enraptured by the awesomeness of Merida’s hair. Seriously, it’s amazing. 

The Plot -  Merida is a princess who doesn’t want to be a princess. This is a source of contention between her and her mother, the queen, who’s trying to teach her how to be a wise and proper ruler. As she gets older and her responsibilities grow, so does the relational struggle. Though they obviously love each other, eventually, the rift between them reaches a point where it threatens the whole kingdom. Merida is told that she, rather unfairly, is responsible for keeping unity in the entire kingdom by marrying a champion of one of the four clans. They gather to compete for her hand in a game of archery. Merida, not wanting to sacrifice her personal freedom for the kingdom, rebells against tradition (something her mother does not understand) and competes in the game too, “for her own hand”. She obviously outdoes every suitor. This throws the whole kingdom into an even greater uproar and Merida decides the only way out now is to “change” her mother - something she does with the help of a very reluctant witch. However, the witches magic, it seems, only does bears. Merida thinks the spell she buys will change her mother’s mind about her marriage, but instead it changes her mother into a bear (as well as her brothers). Finding a way to undo everything is what finally brings them both to a place of understanding and gives them the insight to unite the tribes without sacrificing Merida in marriage to one of 3 ridiculous, though not entirely awful, suitors. 

The Bad Guy - Though, the movie features a witch and a giant crazed bear, they are not really the “bad guys”. The real foe is more the relationship issues... pride, a bad attitude, shortsightedness. It’s a good lesson, but one wonders why then the bear was so disproportionately scary. Really. He was terrifying. The kids pretty much hid their faces every time he was on the screen. : /  He represents the potential monster created when pride is allowed to break relationships. Okay, we get it. Maybe a little less nightmarish, though. I mean, this was made with and audience of kids in mind right?

The Men and Women - Okay, I totally get that this was about a mother/daughter relationship. However, do the men have to be that ridiculous? In this story, you catch on pretty quick to the idea that Merida’s massive father is the “Head” of the kingdom, but really ALL the brains and inner strength are in the women. As the men are simply large children, it’s entirely up to the women to come up with a solution to the problems in the kingdom. When it’s left to the men well, its kind of just, “give us a woman or we’ll slaughter each other.” You can tell that Elanor, the Queen loves her husband and he loves her, but she really doesn’t think much of him at all - except maybe as a barricade.  (He does bravely jump between the bear and his wife and daughter at the beginning of the film.) She despises the fact that he teaches his daughter how to use weapons, though in the end, these skills are what end up saving her. Merida seems to get the best of both of her parents. She is strong and intelligent, So, when it’s all said and done, I think it’s proven that her father did contribute something worthwhile. I guess it just irritates me whenever I see men depicted as just the “lovable idiots”. 

That said, I liked Merida. She is much more than the typical princess. Her problems are not solved by finding her prince or some other such nonsense. Her problems were solved by some good old fashioned self-reflection... Some realizing that her decisions affect other people whether she likes it or not. She learns about her own pride and selfishness, is deeply sorry and does what she can to fix the mess she made. I love that. She is the total opposite of Ariel - who finds the answers to happiness in running away from everyone that loves her to go get a man she doesn’t know at all. What a role model. ; / 

So, yea, mostly good. Some irritating things and a very too scary bear. But, I’d like to see it again. Just watch out for small children. :)


Here's a picture of what he looks like. Um yea. those are broken arrows sticking out of him.

Friday...

That's when I wrote this, but I haven't had internet access from my computer since then. I kind of wish I still didn't. Anyway,

Today was a good day. It was the kind of day that maybe doesn’t matter to anyone else, but I feel like I should write it down... for me.  It’s summer in Alaska and for us that means a crazy amount of people coming and going. Home from college, out to fish, back in for a break, out again... Our house is always open, so sometimes it feels like the cruise ships are docking at my back door. That craziness was today. Tons of people in and out, hugs and hellos and goodbyes... In the middle of all of that Charlotte and our friend Cameron cut their hair. He waited for her to do it though it was driving him nuts having it long on the boat. We now have two bags with 10 inches each on their way to Locks of Love. Charlotte is sporting a ridiculously cute bob now and looks way too old. If its possible she is even more beautiful than before. *sigh*
Anyway, after all that, I packed the babies in the car and we headed up the road to Soldotna. It was one of those days where I felt like we needed to just be... me and them. So we were. 72 miles in the car and no DVD, no radio, no ipod. Just the happy conversation of my babies. I love listening to them. Whenever they get the chance they freely unload all the knowledge they have acquired over their lifetime - or at least the last couple weeks. We talked about everything from grandmas to theology and haircuts to geography. Jacks fell asleep somewhere along the way. When we got to town we shared a basket of fried chicken and a large chocolate cookie dough blizzard at Dairy Queen. Then, we took our shopping list (the cutest list in the world because Charlotte wrote it) and we went to store. We went through the self checkout lane where Charlotte immensely enjoyed scanning the groceries herself. We had way too many things to be in self-checkout but, you know, it was more fun. Then, to Grandma’s house, which is actually unoccupied for the moment. I unpacked the car while they played with grandma’s dress up things and then we stayed up till midnight watching a very cheesy Disney movie. After they were all asleep, I took a long and hot shower. It was just one of those days. Goodness. Peace. Feels like Breathing. Of course, I like to be with them one on one too. I know thats what is recommended, but I love us all together the most. As Lola would say, “It is my favorite and my best.” :)

Success!!

I love baking.  I love watching as a half-distracted person, biting into some little thing, suddenly realizes that what they just put in their mouth is GOOD. Good, like down to your toes good. As Americans, we enjoy food in a hurry. We are addicted to it, and yet we are not connoisseurs of it. We get quick fixes to our little cravings and move on. But, I like making people stop. Obviously not everything I make is amazing. (I admit dinner tonight was Kraft mac and Cheese with hotdogs.) But, when I have the time, I will put every drop of myself into something just to give it away and watch what happens. It is priceless. A couple Christmas's ago I watched from across the room as someone stopped mid-sentence after  biting into one of my handmade caramel cream puffs. I don't think he had even paid any attention to which of the sweets on his plate he was about to pick up. But, when he tasted it, he closed his eyes and said something about maybe needing to cry before continuing his conversation. I love it. You gotta just stop and smell roses... or taste the cream puffs every now and then. One of those is worth more than a whole row of Oreos. You know? I think I got this from my mom. She is a most excellent baker. She actually just recently took the advice she has heard all her life and opened a bakery out of her home. Now she is getting paid to make food happiness for people. Maybe someday I will get to do that too. For now, all my best recipes are being stored away for "someday" or maybe just the next Christmas party.

 Anyway, I like to cook too. Maybe not as much as I like to bake, but I do like it. I have a particular affinity for Italian food because, well it's just amazing. Cannelloni, Pesto, Italian Bread.... Mmmmmm. One of my favorite Italian dishes is fettuccine alfredo. Unfortunately and frustratingly, I have always been unable to figure out the sauce... until the other day. :) I happened to be fiddling around on the website of one of my favorite chefs when I came across the solution. Up until I read what I am about to share, my Alfredo sauces have always come out disturbingly grainy. It's not that they necessarily tasted bad, but the texture just takes away from the sauce when it isn't right. And, seeing as EVERY recipe I could find said to make it the same way, I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Well, the problem, apparently, is that cheese is fragile. It takes very little heat to melt it and too much heat can make it do funny things. Chocolate is the same way. A little heat and you are in creamy heaven, too much and you have crumbly burnt mush. I know there is a life metaphor in here somewhere... The trick with Alfredo is to bring your cream to temperature, take it off the heat and then add the cheese. You let the cream do the melting, not the fire. Here's how mine turned out. Too bad you can't taste it...

Incredible. I have done it like this twice now, and Good grief, it is perfect. Unfortunately, most of the recipes online will tell you to "add the cheese and cook over low heat for 10 more minutes" or some such nonsense. DON'T DO IT. Somethings in life we just don't need to let simmer. Cook what needs to be cooked and leave the rest alone. Amen?!

So, here's my recipe... Sort of - I don't really measure things.
Melt about 3tbs butter in pan over med heat, add aprox same amount of flour (optional for thickening) whisk till combined, add about 3 cups total cream and milk combined (I think I used 2ish cups of cream and a little less than 1 cup of milk), salt or garlic salt and pepper to flavor, stir constantly until simmering, remove from heat and stir in cheese. I used probably a half a cup of grated parm a little grated monterey jack and bit of smoked fontina. Pour over fettuccine and enjoy... slowly. You mathematical direction followers should be good and annoyed by now. Sorry. I'm not precise, but it was dang good. I promise. :)

hmmmm...

Yellow Grey and White

Grey Nail Polish

Making stuffed Animals for my kids

Lemonade - all varieties!

Baking

Coffee!

Diagonal Braids

Bangs!

Reading in bed

 Just some of the things I am loving right now...

What I was trying to say before...

Well, Jonathan did a much better job than me. (Talking about my last post.) Here's the video...

April 15 :: Bewitched and Bewildered - Jonathan Walker from Church on the Rock Homer on Vimeo.

Easter and my issues...

I process things by putting them on paper. Sometimes I skip the words and just grab my acrylics, but just about everything I encounter I’m wondering in the back of my head how to map it out in some way on paper. I have something I’ve been wanting to write about this week, but I’ve been a little hesitant. I feel like this one I shouldn’t write about because I could come across as being very critical and I don’t want to do that. On the other hand though, it is a real struggle for me and maybe it is for someone else too. There might, possibly be some sort of value in sending it out there. I have gone back and forth. In the end, I think I want to write it. I want to be clear and careful though. I am not writing from the stand point of moral superiority, I have tried to search out the cause of my struggle and hope that I am able to successfully communicate that I am not bitter or resentful, I am not anti-tradition, I am not prideful about this. And, in fact, I am a little embarrassed to admit it to you all. Just try to keep that in mind. 

I guess I should just say it and then explain -  I dread Easter Sunday.

There it is. What is considered the “holiest” Sunday of the year is my biggest struggle in a year of Sundays. I guess the reason this all came out it is that I thought I might actually miss it this year.  Scott is out of town and I originally thought his flight back to Anchorage was getting in at 1:00am on Sunday which would mean driving very late Saturday and then sleeping Sunday morning. I just double checked the itinerary though, and realized his flight comes in Monday morning. So, I had to switch gears and get myself back in the mindset of going again. 

Most Christian bloggers won’t be writing about something so ridiculous as an aversion to Easter on their Good Friday blog. But, here I am. And, I admit that I am sorry. The problem is, deeply personal, so if you enjoy Easter, just know that this very flawed little person is quite aware of how aweful it sounds. I can tell you what the resurrection of Christ means to me. Ironically I was asked to share it in an Easter Service a few years ago. It means LIFE. The Bible says when God created us He breathed life into us. And, if that is the case, when man turned his back on God, he essentially cut off his own air supply. Unfortunately, if you aren’t breathing, you’re dying. Anybody else out there feel the absolutely suffocating effect of life without God? Life without hope? I have. Though I grew up in church, until I had my own personal and powerful encounter with God, I just didn’t get it. I don’t necessarily think it’s the fault of “the church.” I think it’s more just something to do with the human condition. The Bible itself talks about how the gospel is beyond understanding. It is totally counterintuitive. Merit is thrown out the window by it. Effort is made worthless by it. Works accomplish nothing in it. It is all based on an incalculable need being met with meritless grace. This is something that just would not fit in my brain for any amount of hearing it. I would venture to say that most of us still don’t grasp it. We just don’t get that all we bring to the table in our relationship with God is emptiness. We try very hard to bring something worthwhile and we sometimes demand that others do too. And, really we are quite sincerely doing it all in a genuine effort to reconnect with God. But trying to grasp what we know to be unattainable holiness (God) will always end in disappointment (when we realize we can’t) or delusion (when we think we can). Disappointment leads to defeat which often leads to walking away. Delusion leads to pride and self-righteousness which makes us hypocrites. Saying “we all fall short” and then claiming to have gotten “up” enough is just obviously contradictory. (Let me just interject here that the falling short itself does not = hypocrisy. I can intend to get to a specific place in my car and I am not a hypocrite when my car breaks down along the way. Making mistakes is not hypocrisy, it’s just human.) 

  Anyway, after a childhood in the church, I eventually gave up completely on God, because of my own disappointment, and fully surrendered to belief in well... nothing. When I did still believe in Jesus, I also believed that I ought to feel this way, look this way, act this way, not struggle in this or that area... I couldn’t fathom the idea that He really didn't expect me to give Him something to love. I knew I couldn't do it so I just didn't believe it anymore - though I wanted to. I became a very reluctant atheist during my late teens. I did not feel free or enlightened by my atheism as some people seem to be.  I felt depressed by the utter meaninglessness of life. And, I surrendered fully to the depression and dove headlong into an eating disorder to numb my existence. It was after several years in this that I had my first real experience with God and realized why I had missed Him completely in church. Though, I heard the gospel over and over, I always felt, every time I walked in the door was that I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t do or be anything right. My doubts and questions and issues were beyond help and answers. My flaws were unfixable, unwanted and too hideous... It wasn’t necessarily that this was always communicated to me. I was pretty good at telling it to myself. What He told me when I finally had a real encounter with Him was simply, “Honey, you can’t. That is the point of the Gospel and of the cross. I had to do it for you.” 

We can’t reconnect the air hose on our own. After He has restored us we can breathe in and out like we have got our life back , but our dependence on Him is always consistent. HE IS OUR AIR. And, I guess this brings me to my struggle with Easter Sunday. While I love the God that brought life to utterly desperate, hopeless me, what I tend to remember on Easter is the many services I sat feeling so completely wrong for not being moved to the proper level of somberness by the songs or the dramas or the flowers etc...The bigger the “production” the harder it is for me, because until it was real for me all it was was an elaborate “production”. I still struggle with looking around at people more moved than me and feeling like a loser.  The truth is that He has never been more real to me on an Easter Sunday than He was the day that I met Him. I was just alone with my Bible on a very isolated and undecorated rooftop in Nepal. I know this is not the case for everyone. I know this is my story. I guess I just want to put it out there. I humbly submit that maybe it isn’t about whether I feel something enough on one certain day out of the year. Maybe, by trying to solicit a certain level of emotion I am just trying to be enough on my own again. The thing about me is I tend to hear Him the most in simpler places and places of solitude and I think thats okay. The real truth is we need Him. Thats it. That’s what we need to NOT miss. It’s incredibly simple. If you don’t understand what I am saying at all, if you love the extra effort put into Easter Sunday, if you love this holiday and the service, just soak in it. Don’t let me discourage anything about this Sunday for you. Maybe you see it all much clearer than I did. I am just reminding myself right here that it is not about what I bring to this Easter anymore than it is about what I bring to the cross. Its just all about Jesus.