I am not a “self-made woman"

        Nope. I realized this today while I was putting the potatoes in the oven for dinner. What did you have for dinner? I recommend roasted potatoes with a side of contemplation. 

 Sometimes people ask me about having four kids - four very little kids. How do I do it? How do I survive? The thing is, I have learned how to do it (rather imperfectly) along the way. It’s not that I possess some sort of quality that had “mom of many” written all over it. Goodness. There was I time, I am sorry to say, I thought “stay at home mom” was a job for those with no ambition. There was a time when I was convinced I would get to just live my own life without even so much as a husband to worry about. And, then it all changed. Scott came along, and I knew he was supposed to be a part of the future I had pictured alone. And, then the kiddos... We both decided that if we were going to do the kid thing we wanted to give them a decent sized family. We definitely didn’t plan on having them this close together, though. Eventually, when we realized we had no control over spacing, we just threw our hands in the air and ran with it. And, I learned along the way how to do it. If you think I must have had it together before, just talk to my mom. I was the space cadet kid. Seriously, I was the one who always forgot to do my homework. I didn’t like wasting my time with things like bathing or cleaning my room. Organization was a foreign concept. I was a person of deep emotion and creativity with ZERO bend for sorting out the details of life. Easily distracted, messy, yep all of that. Not exactly what you would call “mom material.” 

An art teacher once said that not taking an art class because you “aren’t a very good draw-er” is like not taking French class because you aren’t already fluent. That is exactly how I have come to think about parenting. Most of the people who are concerned enough to worry about whether they are “ready” or whether they are doing it right, are probably as good to go as you can get. Parenting is education emersion. I am not the mom I was with just one or two kids. I am not the person I was when it was just me and Scott. They have taught me. God has taught me. I have learned along the way how to keep immunization cards in one spot. I have learned how to keep the house clean, because when you have four little hurricanes, you just need some visual calm now and then, Amen? I have figured out how to think about dinner in the afternoon (most days) so that I am not trying to figure out what to feed people when 6:00 rolls around. Some times I even think ahead enough to make a menu for the week and to *gasp* write a grocery list based on that. Thinking about myself doing any of these is like having an out of body experience. It’s like I am watching this version of me from a distance wondering what in the world happened. Where did that come from? This was me with the potatoes tonight. I looked around my home at a moment when the kids happened to be relatively calm and engaged in something, the floor was swept and mopped, the dishes were mostly done, the counter was clean, bread was rising in my kitchenaid, dinner was bubbling away in the crock pot and I was in the middle of saying to myself, “Okay, dinner will be done in exactly 20 minutes when these get out of the oven.” And, then I was like, “Whoa...who is this?! Where did Martha Stewart come from?" There are just certain things you learn by doing. Necessity is the mother of invention...and organization.. and juggling skills... and who knows what else. 

      With God’s help and some surrendering to the plans He had for me, I have learned things I never would have thought myself capable of - either of doing or loving. And, now I am wondering what I would have done if I had stubbornly continued to try and “make myself”. I guess I know.  I have done my share of wandering through the fog, and fallen into many a pit along the way. Maybe I would have found some sort of level ground eventually. I probably would have stuck with what I knew, though, focused on what I was already good at, let the fear of failure keep me from trying anything outside my box, and never learned that I could be taught to do things far beyond the scope of my imagination. 

Doing this job, this thing I once thought to be so small and insignificant, has been the biggest learning experience of my life. Right now I know this; (though, I might need a reminder tomorrow) surrender is worth it. Teachability is good. Being wiling to say, “I don’t have it all figured out right now” is invaluable, because it leaves you open. Unfortunately, this is not me every moment of every day. I wish it was. I wish I took every unexpected bend in the road with grace and dignity. I wish I didn’t complain so easily when the house was all but flipped upside down and when I can’t find that piece of paper I NEED RIGHT NOW. But, I have more learning to do. I just love that every now and then God gives me a little present in the form of a snapshot - a frozen moment of perspective where I can hold up the me I have become to the me that I used to be and just let my jaw fall to the ground in disbelief. It’s like He is reminding me, even when I feel like I am going backwards or trudging through the muck up to my knees, I am still making progress. It’s worth it to keep at it and to keep hold of His hand.