Scott and I were talking the other day. Kids, parenting, God... Just mulling over some issues and trying to figure out the right way to deal with them. Parenting is just hard and the issues we face are not always predictable.
I think if you asked any parent if they expected their kids the be perfect, they would obviously say, “no.” Somehow, though, I still always find myself a little caught off guard by their issues. They have a problem, or exhibit some undesirable behavior and my mind starts up the train...
Am I doing something wrong?
Where is this coming from?
Where did they learn that?
What were they thinking?
How do I stop this?
Didn’t they learn the last time?
Am I doing the discipline thing wrong?
I had a bit of a revelation talking to Scott about all this a couple days ago. Obviously, I don’t expect our kids to be perfect, but I often find myself operating like they started that way. On a practical level I view them as little clean slates that pick up things from their environment. After all, they develop our mannerisms and repeat what they hear others say, they react to frustration and fear and stress the way I do... They are very effective little mirrors of the world around them and it is easy to think it is just that simple. If that is all there is too it, then it is reasonable to think, if I could just control their environment well enough, they would never have a problem. Expose them to church, guard them from bad influences, never lose my cool in front of them. *Voila!* Perfect kid!
This how many of us operate. And, in my limited experience, it makes the job harder. I am always a failure when I think this way, because every little issue, every bad habit, every misspoken word is a direct result of what I have let in the door. (Of course, to a certain extent I get to blame other people too.)
If we really stop and think about it, this is an overly simplified and inadequate way of looking at anyone. Outside influence is only part of the picture. If we really believe the Bible, we understand that people come with issues too. Ever notice that you don’t have to teach a newborn how to stick the bottom lip out when they’re sad? Or, for that matter, how to cry? A toddler instinctively knows how to throw a fit or how to grab for the toy they want. When they get older, no one has to teach them how to fight with a sibling or how to lie when they are about to get in trouble. My kids have never seen Scott or I get in a physical fight with anyone, but they definitely know how to do it anyway. Blame comes naturally. Selfishness is intuitive. These and more a built into the human condition. The Bible calls it the “sin nature”. It is inherited. It is how we are all predisposed to act until something intervenes. Scott reminded me of this when we were talking. It’s not that I am a failure when my kids act up or even that there is something horribly out of the ordinary going on. It’s that the most natural part of who they are is coming out. And, just as a side note, the flawed nature they inherit is all of humanity’s, but also specifically mine and Scott’s.
This changes everything. Thinking about myself, there are things I have been able to learn. Life has taught me, a naturally somewhat unorganized person, to be organized. I have learned how to keep track of my house and our finances, doctors appointment and dance classes... After a long, long struggle I was able to quit the nasty habit I had of biting my nails. My parents taught me through discipline, about appropriate and inappropriate ways to address other people, etc. Anyone can learn to an extent how to function reasonably in society and the world. There are however, certain things that I have never been able to overcome on my own. For some reason, it’s the deeper stuff, like how to not be overwhelmed with fear, how to trust, how to not be self focused, how to cope with pain without using an addiction as a numbing agent. My deepest flaws and weaknesses are where I was at a total loss. It is in those places where resolve, and even discipline, does absolutely nothing. Don’t believe me? Think about the last time you heard a story where someone couldn’t “straighten up” or “figure it out”, even when they were literally in the gutter, or when there were kids to think of. There are places we can go where there is no Earthly help, internal or external. And, remarkably, it is in those places where we are in the best position to meet God.
Most of us who attempt to raise our children with an awareness of God and a sense of truth instinctively fall back on behavior modification, myself included. We teach morality to our kids by exposing them to a Biblical worldview. But, without an encounter with the Creator, it is just that. A worldview. A standard for living. And, look at what it requires: holiness, wisdom, self control... If we think it’s really doable, we need only look things like the definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13. It is all impossible for anyone! If exposure to the worldview is all they ever get, we are setting them up to be fakes and failures.
What would it look like, though, if I wasn’t so caught of guard by my kids acting out of their natural sinful nature? What if I remembered where it was that I first met God - really met Him? How I was desperate and broken and out of strength. Scott and I were talking over all of these things and he said something that blew me away. It is not our job as parents to just control behavior. Yes, teach them a standard, expose them to truth, protect them from unnecessary bad influences... But, more than all of that, our kids need to see, through our own transparency, what dependence on God looks like. To say to them, “Daddy, has a hard time with that too, and I have to ask God for help because I can’t fix me by myself.” I have watched him have this conversation with our daughter before. At 6&1/2 she is already acutely aware of her own inability. There have been so many times when we have asked her why she hit her sister or didn’t listen to us and she just says, “I don’t know. I just cant stop myself.” How true. Now to stop myself from responding with, “Yes, you can.” There are certain things that discipline can teach people. Moments like that, however, teach us where the limit of our strength is.
Isn’t that the whole point of the Gospel anyway? Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” I want my kids to know God, not just how they measure up to an impossible standard. The difficulty for me, is in accepting that He will meet them in their weakness, because...well... I just don’t want them to have any.
Any Christian who has been in the church long enough can point out what is supposed to be the the difference between our belief and what every other religion out there teaches. Our Bible tells us,“Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins. “There is not one righteous. Not one.” (Ecc 7:20) Our weakness and insufficiency is detailed everywhere in scripture. In Romans 3:20-22 we learn, “Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin. But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.” This is it! This is what sets Christ apart. While all the other religions of the world teach us to climb the impossible road to God ourselves, the Bible tell us Christ did it for us!
And, as for living every day, Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
Sorry about all the bold print, but shouldn’t this message, though we struggle to embrace it ourselves, be part of how we raise our kids? I asked Scott what he thought we should do and his answer was, in so many words, to be real with them. Be imperfect in front of them (or at least admit to it because we know they see it anyway). Be visibly dependent on God in front of them, and don’t be above apologizing to them. I think he’s right. How can we teach them the gospel of grace and unmerited favor, if we treat them like it is well within their ability to pull themselves together? We have to live the Gospel. Not just preach it.
I don’t think this is easy. I admit my kids are still small and their problems are relatively small too. We haven’t done this before and we only know what we have walked through in our own lives. Even as I write this I am a bit overwhelmed by what a big responsibility it is...how complicated it gets. I’m feeling like I’m going to have to tattoo this one all over me to remember it the next time I am reacting to something they do. But, there is hope I think. For one, I can be just as dependent on God for this as for everything else. He knows how utterly incapable I am, anyway. And for another, if the closest inherited issues they have are mine and Scott’s, then we are very uniquely equipped to show them how God broke through those things in our own lives. I’m sure they will face other things too, but maybe if we are faithful to teach them to trust and depend with the small things now, they won’t forget it later.
